You and I? We should talk.

I’m a sociable guy. That’s my default mode. I want to talk to people. I want to hear what they have to say.

But I talk to folks all the time who are excited about developing real estate but fearful of developing relationships. They’re reluctant to push themselves to make that connection with someone, to start the conversation, and endure those first awkward moments where we’re all grasping for things we might have in common. (By the way, having “things in common” is overrated. More about that in a future newsletter).

David Brooks talks about some of the research behind this Talking-To Strangers Dread in “Why Your Social Life Is Not What It Should Be.”

Brooks, reflecting on research by psychologist Nicholas Epley, writes that “people are reluctant to talk to strangers on a train or plane because they don’t think it will be enjoyable. They believe it will be awkward, dull, and tiring. In an online survey, only 7 percent of people said they would talk to a stranger in a waiting room. Only 24 percent said they would talk to a stranger on a train.”

We can’t be bothered to chat with strangers because we think those conversations will be boring and awkward. Tell me something new.

Epley, though, asks an important question.

Are we right?

The answer is…

Nope.

Not even a little.

It turns out that we’re all wrong. And Epley has a bucket-full of experiments to prove it because…well…science. 

In Epley’s experiments, commuters on a train “expected to have less pleasant rides if they tried to strike up a conversation with a stranger. But their actual experience was precisely the opposite. People randomly assigned to talk with a stranger enjoyed their trips consistently more than those instructed to keep to themselves.”

We tend to walk around all day with what Brooks calls “ridiculously negative antisocial filters.” When it comes to anticipating the sheer pleasure we’ll derive from talking to a random stranger, we are almost always wrong. In fact, we are underestimation machines, underestimating everything from how receptive people will be to compliments we pay them to how much we’ll learn from the other person in a random conversation.

“We see the world in anxiety-drenched ways that cause us to avoid social situations that would be fun, educational, and rewarding,” Brooks writes. Even before the conversation begins, we assume we know what the other person will say. But, as Epley points out, the minds of others are “vast and invisible,” making it impossible to know what we’ll gain from that conversation.  

Let that sink in. We habitually underestimate the pleasure others will give us (and what we’ll give them!). 

Why do I bring all of this up? How did the musings of a psychologist make it into a newsletter by a real estate developer?

Well, for one, while I’m excited about this newsletter, I’m also apprehensive. 

Strangers. What if they don’t like what I have to say?!

Those were my thoughts when my fingers first hit the keyboard this morning. But just like Brooks and Epley, I know that there are marvelous connections to be made and new things to learn by meeting strangers. In the comments below, someone is going to tell me a funny joke or ask a surprising question.  Someone is going to say something that makes me smile.

I’m going to learn something from you. You’re going to learn something from me.

I think that frame of mind makes for happy humans, and it certainly makes for successful real estate developers. You can’t build buildings without building relationships. And every single relationship starts with talking to strangers.

I’m Sean Sweeney. I like to build buildings. 

And talk to strangers. 

Let’s talk.

---

PS

I love talking to folks, whether they’re aspiring developers or have twenty projects under their belt. There’s something about building, both houses and community, that gets me up (very early) in the morning. So, let’s talk.

If you’re supporting The Bright Build newsletter, you have access to these Q and A’s. Every month, I’ll respond to the top 3 questions and share my thoughts, advice, and experiences on design-driven, community-focused development and the moves and mindset crucial to making these things happen.

Why subscribe?

You’ll receive free:

• My thoughts on the world of real estate development and the developer mindset. 

If you become a paid subscriber, you’ll also be able to:

• Comment and join a thoughtful community of interesting folks.

• Participate in my once-a-month Q&A sessions.

• Brag about how you have my undying support for helping us launch this project! As in, “Yeah, I knew Sean when he first started that newsletter. I was one of his first supporters.”